Happy Belated Birthday Rayvin

Been a long, long time ...
Forever in Mummy's heart.
Love u, baby angel Rayvin ... always ...

Gong Xi Fa Cai 2023

 Hi Baby. 

Happy New Year 2023 & Gong Xi Fa Cai 2023.

Time flies, u are already 14+ years old, supposed to be ...

Mummy & Koko Jayvin travelled to Kota Kinabalu for CNY holiiday with Kong Kong & Ma Ma. Lovely trip, especially to Kundasang with beautiful nature & cool weather.

Mummy had started working again on 3Jan 2023 after recuperating for more than a year. Such a hectic life again, back to the old DKSH where task & assignments never stop pouring in ...  Time runs very fast when we are busy, too busy to even play handphone or do housework 😂

Loving u, always loving u baby Rayvin 💗

Hello Baby

 Mummy haven't been to camping for more than a year now. So far, so much less numbness & pain due to last year fall which cause Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES).

Grandma & Grandpa are in Europe now, touring Italy, Switzerland & France. They will be back to KL next week & all of us will travel back to KB hometown together. 

They had also just celebrated 48th Wedding Anniversary and Mummy had dedicate a short video for them & had an artist to paint coffee art a photo of their wedding photo shoot.

Missing my baby forever, baby angel Rayvin 💗

Thailand Road Trip (2-8 Aug 2022)

Hi Baby Rayvin.

Daddy brought us to Southern Thailand roadtrip 2-8th Aug 2022 from KL - Hatyai - Nakhon Si Thammarat - Surathani - Hatyai - KL. Wonderful to be able to travel again after being confined for more than 2 years due to Covid-19 pandemic. The last road trip to Thailand was in 2019. Blessed with great weather & yummy spicy Thai food & smooth journey.

Missing u always, my Baby Rayvin.

Stainless steel pagoda @ Phra Maha Chedi Tripob Trimongkol, Hatyai

Surat Thani town

Offering prayers at Wat Chedi (Ai Kai)

3rd Admission - CES

 Hi Baby Rayvin,

Mummy is re-admitted to hospital for the 3rd time since 20/12/2021. Unfortunately, the right surgical wound had infection & Mummy had to go for emergency surgical debridement & drainage on 21/12/2021. Now, Mummy is recuperating well in the hospital. Another 1 week to go as the IV Rocephin Antibiotics course required 2 weeks to complete. Otherwise, all are well.

'Koko' Jayvin had gone to Daddy's workshop for the past 2 weeks. On job training before joining the SKM (Sijil Kemahiran Malaysia) Level 2 &3 in automotive study which will commence on the 3rd Jan 2022. Since automotive has been his passion, therefore we hope that is the best solution for him instead of going through the torture of Form 4 & 5. Besides that, Mummy is able to save RM50k and for the SKM at Despark Auto College, 'Koko' Jayvin will be opting for the PTPK loan (RM37k) from Jabatan Kemahiran Malaysia.

Loving u & missing u always ...💓

021221 : 4 titanium screws + 2 rods + cage ... RM19,700 just for the 'hardware' 😂

Side view. Thankfully, all are good 😀

191221 : My right wound infection 😂

211221 : After surgical debridement & drainage

Little red 'handbag' for 4 days 

Day 22 : CES

 I felt much better when I am busy with work. It helps me forget about the pain & the crushed dreams. 

Felt good this morning & yesterday. Trying to motivate myself ... However, when the sun sets down, I normally feel down too, not sure why ... It's like the dark night, no hope in this endless suffering journey.

Self motivating, myself in sarong but imagining at the beautiful beach 😍. Learning how to edit photos from FB group, 'Edit Apa Hari Ini'.

Thank you to my lovely sis & hubby for helping me out to send over documents to clients. I felt so handicapped, so useless ... Sad reality with CES. Hoping that I can keep the job as long as possible, trying hard ... It motivates me, the money too 😄

My breakfast today, yummy claypot loh shi fun 😘

Day 21 : CES

Finally, its a non-working day for me as I currently provide consultation services from Mon - Wed onlly. Had started this arrangement since May 2021, with mind of getting into semi retirement after all the madness in corporate world. Thinking of some holidays to Japan, Russia and US once the Covid-19 situation improved. However, things do not go as planned. 

Today, I have been laying around lazily, playing with my phones while enjoying the day to day moment. The pain has reduced, yet the numbness has increased significantly. From slight numbness in the heel, now it spreads to my ankle. A bit of numbness at my calf, posterior region too now. Sad & frustrated. Luckily, managed to pass motion slightly today. A suffering in mind and body.

😡Had a big fight with Jayvin yesterday again, can't tolerate his laziness & bad attitude. Really broke my heart, deep down inside. Having paid for his private school tuition fees at almost RM25k per annum for the past 3 years (Form 1 to Form 3), I just feel that all those money had gone to waste. It can be of better use and maybe, I will be able to go through the surgery by now, instead of in the long waiting list at government hospital. 

Life has treated me kind most of the time, yet had given me 2 major sad incidence. Sometimes, u just wonder why...., why me, what had I done or gone wrong? 13 years ago, I lost my baby Rayvin & now, I lost my mobility and my future.

Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day, but who am I kidding? I wish to laugh at myself.

22/10 : Myself, lying down in the car as could not sit too long. On the way to TTDI to settle some banking issues.

😱My worrisome MRI report, nothing good out of it. My heart is crushed as per my L5-S1 crushed into my nerve. CES, my nightmare.

On the lighter side, this is my favourite yummy Bak Chang (dumpling). Prepared by mom all the way from Kota Bharu. I miss my parent very much lately, maybe we always need our parent no matter how old we are. I am very sorry, very sorry that I am unable to take care of both of you when you are both older & weaker later. I promised both of you that I will be there, to support and become your caregiver last year, but I  am terribly sorry that I am unable to fullfill that now. I am so disappointed at myself. Very disapointed ...😭

CES robs your life, your hope, your dreams and your future. May I have the strength to go through it ... slowly, but steadily ...Love all of you forever 💕

Day 17 of Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES)

Hi Baby Rayvin. Missing u & loving u, always.

Bad news, today is day 17th that Mummy is being diagnosed with CES.

7th Oct : Went to Pej. Kesihatan S.Kembangan  but was told to go to A&E immediately. Almost painted in the clinic due to the extreme pain. Sadly, Hong drove me there but just waited in the car, giving no parking excuses. Excruciating pain from the buttock down to the thigh. Can't even sit (saddle anaesthesia), nor stand properly. The night before, I developed numbness from buttock, private area and posterior region of the right thigh.

8th Oct : Went to A&E H. Putrajaya. Hong had no choice, but drove me there again. Checked-in 10.30am and only at 7.30pm, was admitted and pushed to Orthopaedic Ward, Ward 3C. By the way, Hong left around 2pm and only sent in my luggage at night. The long waiting almost killed me, horrible pain till developed breathing difficulties + the long Q of overflowing patients + burning heat in the white temporary tent + no food & drink. Suspected of CES and awaiting for MRI, unfortunately MRI machine in H. Putrajaya was down and the waiting list can be 2 weeks, or more. Had no choice, but to book for private MRI at Columbia Asia Medical Centre. Paid RM1100 for that. It was later that I got to know that 2 shots of morphine were given to me, but the pain persist. Therefore, they have been prescribing Fentanyl for me for 2 days .... Imagine the pain, actually it is beyond anyone's imagination. It was sharp pain burning hell ...

9th Oct : Was sent by ambulance to Columbia Asia Cheras for MRI, around 11am. A nurse & MA accompanied me. Confirmed of CES and I was sceptical initially, trying to avoid the surgery. Was told that my case is serious and in need of emergency operation. Dr Cheong was kind enough to explain my MRI report in detail. Still, I was in denial. Was hoping that it can heal by itself, or maybe a good chiropractor is able to help.

10th Oct :Requested for discharge, even just for a short 2 days but was rejected. All Drs came to inform that my case is serious and the only option available to me now is the surgery. Despair & crushed. All dreams & future crushed, besides over thinking on the cost. RM20k itself, just for the disc & plate.

11th Oct : Mr Tan, HOD of Orthopaedics, Spine Team came. Gave approval for discharge & to set surgery date later. The non-emergency surgery will involve replacement of disc and plat + screws, later date. Discharged completed at 5.30pm. Home sweet home and my new challenging journey started.

12th Oct : Had difficulites to pass motion and pain during passing urine. All complications starts to set in slowly. Even though the pain is manageable, but the numbness has increased. Sad ...Everything seems to fall apart. My dreams are crushed. My holidays are gone. My shopping are bye-bye. My love for food are sayonara. Everyday, pop up so many pain killers, nerve pain medication, stool softener, probiotics, supplements, enema etc ..... Numbness has spread to 3/4 of my right foot. Unable to walk steadily now, slow like a tortoise. Infact slower than my 89 year old late grandma. Neuropathic itchiness are disrupting too. The pain and numbness in my buttock disable me from sitting for too long. PU & PM are daily struggle, life changes for the worse.

22nd Oct : No choice but went to bank to settle some financial issues. Collected some Kelantan food  prepared by beloved Mama & Papa via my lovely sis, Dollin. Everyone has been supportive. However, I felt very lonely in this new challenging journey. Sometimes, anger kicks in, sometimes I cried till I fall asleep. Nobody can understand your pain & suffering.

24th Oct : No improvement, infact further deterioration in term of life quality. Sad, anger, frustrated. Can tomorrow be a better day for me? It's a big question mark. CES came like a heart attack and will deteriorate the patients quality of life, for a long, long time, if not forever. The outcome is rather dark. What can I wish for more? As long as no further deterioration, I am grateful. I still have my strong left leg, strong healthy body and lovely family. I try to be strong, especially for my boy, Jayvin.

Signing off with lots of love, Mummy Pauline. Typing while lying on the bed as I can't sit for too long.

Myself in Ward 3C, 4D3N at Hospital Putrajaya.

Transfered by an ambulance to Columbia Asia Cheras for MRI test.

Hospital food, not to my liking, lots of room for improvement.

Working from my hospital bed. As long as I can work, will try my best. Besides the financial gain, it kills my boredom & also makes me forget about all the pain.

 Baby Rayvin is 13Y, 2M, 1W, 5D ... Time flies.

Yesterday was 'Koko' Jayvin turn to be vaccinated. He had his shot of Pfizer's Corminaty vaccine at MMU, Cyberjaya. Met up with his 'long time no see friends' as it has been a long time since school was closed. Hopefully, school can be reopened soon ....

Covid-19 Vaccination

Baby Rayvin is 12Y, 10M, 3W. Missing you, late Great Grandma & late Great Grandpa today, Cried, cried my heart out today. 😭

Mummy finally had the 1st vaccination (Astra Zeneca) at the IDCC, Shah Alam on 4th June 2021. The Covid-19 pandemic in Malaysia is getting more & more critical by the day. Lesser & lesser ICU & Covid wards beds are available. Even though more quarantine centres are opened, they are getting filled up very fast too.

Still, Mummy has to visit clients in hospitals. Going out to buy food, deliver stocks and others. Taking the risks, taking precautions. Please pray for Mummy, all frontliners & everyone out there.

Get ready, Sendiri Jaga Sendiri. Love u Baby Rayvin.

Proud Angel Mom

My baby Rayvin is 12Y8M2W5D.

My dear baby Rayvin, Mummy is enjoying the KB slooowww life. Makan, shopping, zzz and of course, trying to complete 2018 long overdue Korea Holiday photobook 😅.

Some nice, nice food from KB ... Love u, miss u ...

Apr 2021 Update

 Hello Baby Rayvin. Mummy is in KB now. Enjoying the bits and pieces of life, after fighting & enduring various challenges while building the career over the years. Catching up as an absence mom for ages. 👪.

Flew back to KB but rather pathetic situation at KLIA2 as most retail outlets were closed or shut down due to Covid-19 pandemic. The lock-down and also restriction of border crossing kills the economic progressively ... Pray for the human kind, pray for everyone's safety. 🙏

Last Monday, 5th Apr 2021, school has finally reopen and "Koko" Jayvin is back to school after a long. long break due to Covid-19. Thankfully ... Hopefully, he appreciates Mummy's sacrifice in enrolling him into established Rafflesia school (SMRP). Yes, it comes with premium charges ... All the best, as he is facing PT3 this year. May he gains conscious and matures in these coming months ...

Loving you & missing you, baby Rayvin. 💗

Forever Missing You (12 Y 7M)

 You are a 12 year old boy, should be ... Mummy is crying now.😭

Mummy still miss you, very very much. In your memory, all Mummy's email address start with paulinerayvin .... . Yes, with Rayvin boy name. Sometimes, Mummy still feel it was so unfair, why can't Mummy keep you. When there were news on child abuse, child neglect, Mummy asked why .. why ... why was the child born into a family that neglects him and made him suffer. Some were even beaten to death ... So sad, a sad, sad world ... 😥

Baby Rayvin, Mummy has offered many prayers for you over the years. Hopefully, you are happy and well. Maybe, you are already reborn into other happy family. Yes, Mummy will be happy if all good things happen to you.

2020, 2021 have been crazy years. With the unprecedented Covid-19 and political madness in Malaysia, the economy and market were in the doomsday. Many went bankrupt, lost their jobs and income. Mummy was lucky to get a job on the 1st day of MCO 1 (Malaysia's 1st quarantine day due to Covid-19) -16th March 2020. Even though, it was crazy and various challenges, Mummy had surpassed the 1 year contract. Extension is still in the midst of discussion. Praying that all ends well. 

'Koko' Jayvin is in Form 3 now, rebellious big size boy. He is currently on online classes and of course, crazy over the online games. PT3 examination is coming soon, but still cool as ever. Mummy might quit my job to accompany and encourage 'Koko' in his PT3 journey. Hopefully, Mummy's sacrifice is worthwhile. Daddy is still the same, with his old 4x4 workshop. Hopefully, the market will improve for better business opportunity. Doggie Mickie is getting older too, with an enlargement on his abdomen. Hopefully, he can remain the good health and can stay with us longer ...

That's the summary of life for you. Loving you, missing you. You are always Mummy's angel boy.💓

Hello Baby Rayvin

Hello My Baby 🌼

It has been so loooong. Too long. Too much happening over the years, everyone move on. My dear handsome Rayvin, you are 12 by now. A young energetic teenager...
However, it's just a dream. A long deep sleep beautiful dream. With life, comes death.
Mummy will always, always, always miss u & love u, my dear Baby Angel Rayvin 💖

2016 in a Snapshot



Camping at Janda Baik. Jayvin caught several small fishes with Orang Asli's simple, bamboo fishing rod





 Mummy & "Koko" Jayvin started to attend Dhamma class end July 2016. Educational & rather enjoyable.

Danang, Vietnam holiday in July 2016. Fun under the sun. Great family trip with "Kong Kong", Mama, Aunt K and family. Pix : celebrating Mummy's birthday.

Thailand road trip in Oct 2016 (KL-Haadyai-Krabi-Aonang-Haadyai-Songkla-KL). Great fun trip. Pix : Floating market

 Will always love you, Baby Rayvin ...



 

2016 Update

My baby is supposed to be an active chatty 8 year old school-going boy. How time flies.
We miss you and "Koko" Jayvin miss you too. We have discussion about you and he wept silently a couple of times. We really miss you a lot.

Life goes on. "Koko" Jayvin is finishing his Standard 5 in school. Not really great in academic, but rather active in sport and co-curriculum. Active & chatty & naughty at times, but rather emotional like Mummy.

Daddy is still working at his 4x4 workshop in Bukit Puchong. How envious, his passion is his career.
"Yeye" & Mama" are very supportive and helpful. Always there for us. Yeye is "Koko" Jayvin's best buddy ... Lol ...
"Kong Kong" and "Mama" are still in KB. Unfortunately, on 13 Oct, "Kong Kong" had a major accident. He was knocked down unconscious by a car in front of Maktab Perguruan. Blessed to Buddha that he survived, but suffered from broken right wrist & lost his right eye vision. Whatever it is, we are blessed that he is still here with us today.
Mummy has moved on. Mummy left KP in end Aug 2016. Too much politics and hypocrite. Now, a home maker, life is great yet challenging in term of financial. Blessed that Daddy is rather supportive. Enjoying life and this coming school holiday, and shall let Buddha decide on Mummy's next career move.
We love you, Baby Rayvin. We miss you a lot & you will always be in our mind.

Happy Chinese New Year 2015

2 more days & we will celebrate CNY. Time flies.

Has been a long, long time since Mummy last logged-in. Of course, Baby Rayvin is always with Mummy. Well, Mummy guess shouldn't call you "Baby" anymore as you are already 6 years old (by right). 6Y6M old active boy ... Jumping, running, cycling and engrossed with your Hot Wheels, Nerf, Lego, robots & other toys ...  Isn't it lovely ??? Back to reality, it's just a dream, and remain as a bad dream ...

Mummy is currently a home maker since Nov 2014, putting more attention to "Koko" Jayvin who needs constant monitoring on his studies.  Besides that, the 3-4 hours of daily traveling to and fro the office is 'killing' Mummy. A short break from all the stress & madness in this concrete jungle. Spending more quality time with "Koko" besides cleaning our home for the CNY.

Miss you, love you always ... my Baby Rayvin, forever my lovely Baby Rayvin  ...

High Fever

'Koko' Jayvin had sudden high fever yesterday evening which lasted the whole night. He was cranky & crying all the time. Thank god, he seemed rather ok this morning & we persuaded him to school. Mummy GH & visited him during recess time. He was a bit gloomy & exhausted. Hopefully, he will be fine tonight.
Missed the lion dance in the office today but Jayvin will always be the priority.

Love u, 'Koko' Jayvin & 'baby' Rayvin ...

Lost & Confused

We are still within the 2014 Chinese New Year celebration, but Mummy is a bit "lost & confused". It felt like yesterday, but till this morning Mummy is still not able to recall certain details. In fact very important details such as your DOB. Is it a good sign or the other way round?
Not too sure how to respond & the effect of yesterday "departure" ceremony. Want to say goodbye but not able to, in fact do not want to .... "Lost & confuse" ... By the way, Mummy & 'Koko' Jayvin will be going back to KL today after 8 days celebrating CNY in KB. Life goes on, back to work, back to school ...
Gong Xi Fa Cai baby Rayvin. Miss u & love u forever ....

Long Absence

Has been a long, long time since Mummy logged-in. So much happening, the happy & sad events ... They come & they go ... We laugh & we cry ...

Currently, Mummy is still busy with the office work, a bit better compared to a year ago, but still considered very hectic. Sometimes, the palpitation & migraine got really bad, very bad. Anyway, Mummy had just started taking the hypertension drug. No more running away as the BP was as high as 150+/120.

'Koko' Jayvin had just completed his Primary 1 and just started his 6 weeks long holiday. He is so excited over the holiday, no school, no homework, no Mummy shouting, no punishment. He is still unable to focus on his studies till today, very playful as ever & more & more cunning everyday ... A growing up boy ...

We had moved to Daddy's new house in S.Kembangan last 12Sept2013, after a 7+ years of waiting for the abondoned housing project to be completed. Not fully complete yet, but no choice. Daddy is very lay back, slow-motion (hahaha, that's why Jayvin is also very slow motion) & not sure when the renovation will be fully completed. The fence is up but not painted till today. The extra room for the wet kitchen is ready but not painted too. The gate is ready but the "auto" is not. So many more ... So sad, so much worry, so much stress ... Let's live the day, by day ...

Still missing you & miss you very, very much ... very, very much, baby Rayvin ...

Gong Xi Fa Cai 2013

Daddy, Mummy & 'Koko' Jayvin wishes u Gong Xi Fa Cai ...

Hadyai & Songkla tour

Beautiful Buddhist Temples in Kelantan

Valentine's Day in Hadyai 14 Feb 2013

Lou Sang & Steamboat ... fresh & yummy ...

Steamboat & local Kelantanese delicacy - Nasi Dagang (top left) and Nasi Kerabu (lower right)

MIL's vegetarian specials & Steamboat & premium abalone

Gong Xi Fa Cai. Wish the new Snake Year brings more joy, laughters, good health and happy gatherings & celebrations ... Missing u & loving u always, baby Rayvin ...

The red CNY decorations are everywhere. Just another 1 week to CNY. This year, we will be celebrating in KL before going back to hometown, Kota Bharu on the 1st day of CNY.

Fetched 'Koko' Jayvin from school yesterday & head to Mid Valley for another shopping spree. Had sumptous pizzas at Domino's & finally managed to find 'Koko' Jayvin's CNY shoes, and of course the Hot Wheels rollers for his additional cheers. He really knows how to keep Mummy happy by continuously hugging & kissing Mummy last night. Hahaha ... Finally, bought him the Hot Wheels which he had been eyeing for the past 1/2 year.

Happy Chinese New Year & Gong Xi Fa Cai ...

2 Weeks to CNY

"Dong Dong Chiang" is coming soon.

'Koko' Jayvin's new clothes and pants are all ready. CNY gifts for MIL are all ready as well. Hope 2013 CNY be a happy reunion & celebration for all.

Aunt D has made a special arrangement for all of us to celebrate CNY in Hadyai, Thailand. Aunt K is pregnant with 2 little princesses. Everything seems to be well plan. So excited waiting for the happy reunion ...

Gong Xi Gong Xi ... Gong Xi Fa Cai ...

Little Angels In Heaven

Most Malaysians were shocked upon hearing the little decomposed body found in Port Klang the day before belong to William Yau. 6-year old William Yau went missing a week ago, pushing Malaysians and netizens for the search.

Mummy's heart goes all out for his parent with deepest condolence. They must be terribly shaken & traumatized by the whole incident, and life will never be the same again.

One more little angel is in Heaven today. May they have peace and laughters today, tomorrow and everyday. Missing my little angel baby Rayvin ...

It's A New Refreshing Start - 2013

Happy Happy Happy New Year 2013 everybody ...

Happy New Year 2013

Hi, can't believe that Mummy had been absent for so long.

Always wanted to be here for you, baby Rayvin but still in 'denial'. No, it was just a dream, a bad dream. Was it ???

Anyway, few more days to 2013. Can you believe it ???

Have to go on ... 'Koko' Jayvin is starting his Standard 1 Primary school next Wednesday. A big milestone for every child. A new environment which will influence their future ...

Got to strive for the career & of course - 'Koko' Jayvin's academic performance too. His social skills are rather ok for the moment. Hopefully 2013 is going to sail through smoothly ...

Till then, love you & missing you so much ... today, tomorrow & everyday ...

It's Saturday

Finally, it's weekend. Mummy is at the Shito-Ryu Dojo again. Hmmm, today there are more students, a good motivation for all them as the 'kiasu' feeling is really pushing them to the top ...

Last week was rather busy, but not as bad as the first 2 weeks of the month, which was like in a pressure cooker. The fear of facing 1st March is so intense, the stress & the 'rubbish' complaints ... Well, that's part & parcel of Mummy's job & life nowadays.

'Koko' Jayvin is ok in school, not particularly outstanding, but just ok.

Karate Update Feb 2012

Mummy is at the Shito-Ryu Karate class, waiting for Jayvin. 'Koko' had been attending the sessions for almost 1/2 year now. Seems better but not the best. Well, he had learnt up to 4 'katas', but still unable to master them well. Anyway, Mummy is not too worried about it, let him learn at his pace. Afterall, he is only 5++, still a long way to go. Let him catch up & really serious when he is ready. Currently, Jayvin enjoys the class, the warm-up session, exercise, hitting & punching. He also enjoys being with the rest of the students, with majority of them already at black-belt stage. Well, at least Mummy's 3 hours spent here is worth-while ...

Still In Mummy's Mind

Mummy has been very busy & stressed lately. Seems like 24 hours a day is never enough. So much thing to do, so many datelines, so many pending & reviews required. Sigh, maybe it's a good sign. No time for personal thoughts, no time for nonsense or day dream. Divert all the negative thoughts, sadness & depression away ... at least, for the day ...

Still remember u & love u, baby Rayvin ...

Holidays Are Over ...

Malaysia is blessed with various public holidays in the recent 2 months. Christmas, New Year, Chinese New Year, Thaipusam & now it's all over. No more public holidays till early May for the Labour Day.

Back to reality, back to work. Back to the fast pace, concrete jungle. The toughest will survive. Mummy is with D for almost 3 months now, heavy responsibilities, multi-task jobs with 14 reps. Rather tiring at times but life has to go on ... For the sake of $, for the sake of Jayvin's future, Mummy has to go on ...