I felt much better when I am busy with work. It helps me forget about the pain & the crushed dreams.
Felt good this morning & yesterday. Trying to motivate myself ... However, when the sun sets down, I normally feel down too, not sure why ... It's like the dark night, no hope in this endless suffering journey.
Finally, its a non-working day for me as I currently provide consultation services from Mon - Wed onlly. Had started this arrangement since May 2021, with mind of getting into semi retirement after all the madness in corporate world. Thinking of some holidays to Japan, Russia and US once the Covid-19 situation improved. However, things do not go as planned.
Today, I have been laying around lazily, playing with my phones while enjoying the day to day moment. The pain has reduced, yet the numbness has increased significantly. From slight numbness in the heel, now it spreads to my ankle. A bit of numbness at my calf, posterior region too now. Sad & frustrated. Luckily, managed to pass motion slightly today. A suffering in mind and body.
😡Had a big fight with Jayvin yesterday again, can't tolerate his laziness & bad attitude. Really broke my heart, deep down inside. Having paid for his private school tuition fees at almost RM25k per annum for the past 3 years (Form 1 to Form 3), I just feel that all those money had gone to waste. It can be of better use and maybe, I will be able to go through the surgery by now, instead of in the long waiting list at government hospital.
Life has treated me kind most of the time, yet had given me 2 major sad incidence. Sometimes, u just wonder why...., why me, what had I done or gone wrong? 13 years ago, I lost my baby Rayvin & now, I lost my mobility and my future.
Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day, but who am I kidding? I wish to laugh at myself.
22/10 : Myself, lying down in the car as could not sit too long. On the way to TTDI to settle some banking issues.
On the lighter side, this is my favourite yummy Bak Chang (dumpling). Prepared by mom all the way from Kota Bharu. I miss my parent very much lately, maybe we always need our parent no matter how old we are. I am very sorry, very sorry that I am unable to take care of both of you when you are both older & weaker later. I promised both of you that I will be there, to support and become your caregiver last year, but I am terribly sorry that I am unable to fullfill that now. I am so disappointed at myself. Very disapointed ...😭
CES robs your life, your hope, your dreams and your future. May I have the strength to go through it ... slowly, but steadily ...Love all of you forever 💕
Hi Baby Rayvin. Missing u & loving u, always.
Bad news, today is day 17th that Mummy is being diagnosed with CES.
7th Oct : Went to Pej. Kesihatan S.Kembangan but was told to go to A&E immediately. Almost painted in the clinic due to the extreme pain. Sadly, Hong drove me there but just waited in the car, giving no parking excuses. Excruciating pain from the buttock down to the thigh. Can't even sit (saddle anaesthesia), nor stand properly. The night before, I developed numbness from buttock, private area and posterior region of the right thigh.
8th Oct : Went to A&E H. Putrajaya. Hong had no choice, but drove me there again. Checked-in 10.30am and only at 7.30pm, was admitted and pushed to Orthopaedic Ward, Ward 3C. By the way, Hong left around 2pm and only sent in my luggage at night. The long waiting almost killed me, horrible pain till developed breathing difficulties + the long Q of overflowing patients + burning heat in the white temporary tent + no food & drink. Suspected of CES and awaiting for MRI, unfortunately MRI machine in H. Putrajaya was down and the waiting list can be 2 weeks, or more. Had no choice, but to book for private MRI at Columbia Asia Medical Centre. Paid RM1100 for that. It was later that I got to know that 2 shots of morphine were given to me, but the pain persist. Therefore, they have been prescribing Fentanyl for me for 2 days .... Imagine the pain, actually it is beyond anyone's imagination. It was sharp pain burning hell ...
9th Oct : Was sent by ambulance to Columbia Asia Cheras for MRI, around 11am. A nurse & MA accompanied me. Confirmed of CES and I was sceptical initially, trying to avoid the surgery. Was told that my case is serious and in need of emergency operation. Dr Cheong was kind enough to explain my MRI report in detail. Still, I was in denial. Was hoping that it can heal by itself, or maybe a good chiropractor is able to help.
10th Oct :Requested for discharge, even just for a short 2 days but was rejected. All Drs came to inform that my case is serious and the only option available to me now is the surgery. Despair & crushed. All dreams & future crushed, besides over thinking on the cost. RM20k itself, just for the disc & plate.
11th Oct : Mr Tan, HOD of Orthopaedics, Spine Team came. Gave approval for discharge & to set surgery date later. The non-emergency surgery will involve replacement of disc and plat + screws, later date. Discharged completed at 5.30pm. Home sweet home and my new challenging journey started.
12th Oct : Had difficulites to pass motion and pain during passing urine. All complications starts to set in slowly. Even though the pain is manageable, but the numbness has increased. Sad ...Everything seems to fall apart. My dreams are crushed. My holidays are gone. My shopping are bye-bye. My love for food are sayonara. Everyday, pop up so many pain killers, nerve pain medication, stool softener, probiotics, supplements, enema etc ..... Numbness has spread to 3/4 of my right foot. Unable to walk steadily now, slow like a tortoise. Infact slower than my 89 year old late grandma. Neuropathic itchiness are disrupting too. The pain and numbness in my buttock disable me from sitting for too long. PU & PM are daily struggle, life changes for the worse.
22nd Oct : No choice but went to bank to settle some financial issues. Collected some Kelantan food prepared by beloved Mama & Papa via my lovely sis, Dollin. Everyone has been supportive. However, I felt very lonely in this new challenging journey. Sometimes, anger kicks in, sometimes I cried till I fall asleep. Nobody can understand your pain & suffering.
24th Oct : No improvement, infact further deterioration in term of life quality. Sad, anger, frustrated. Can tomorrow be a better day for me? It's a big question mark. CES came like a heart attack and will deteriorate the patients quality of life, for a long, long time, if not forever. The outcome is rather dark. What can I wish for more? As long as no further deterioration, I am grateful. I still have my strong left leg, strong healthy body and lovely family. I try to be strong, especially for my boy, Jayvin.
Signing off with lots of love, Mummy Pauline. Typing while lying on the bed as I can't sit for too long.
Baby Rayvin is 13Y, 2M, 1W, 5D ... Time flies.
Yesterday was 'Koko' Jayvin turn to be vaccinated. He had his shot of Pfizer's Corminaty vaccine at MMU, Cyberjaya. Met up with his 'long time no see friends' as it has been a long time since school was closed. Hopefully, school can be reopened soon ....
Forever Missing & Loving Our Little Angel Rayvin Fan
